Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Even before the cuts to benefits and the changes to DLA have taken place, they are having an effect on the people who rely on them. This is one woman’s story.

“It’s not as though I don’t want to work. I find it hard to imagine why anyone would believe that someone would live hand to mouth on benefits, without holidays, much of a social life, new clothes, etc., by choice. Why would I chose to spend time considering whether I can afford to turn the heating on (never mind up), when the temperature outside is minus something?  Why would I chose to debate the relative merits of fresh food versus a £1 ready meal from the bargain freezer shop? If it was a question of choice, I would most definitely have made a different one.

And now it seems that everything is about to get much worse. Changes to income support, incapacity benefit and DLA could well mean that by this time next year I will have even less to live on than now.  Friends and family tell me not to worry.  That the changes are intended to ‘weed out the cheats’ not target people like me. People who are genuinely disabled, genuinely sick. But that is not the impression I get from reading the papers or surfing the internet. No one can guarantee that I can maintain my current position.

So I worry. I lie awake and imagine what might happen if…

I keep applying for jobs.  Any job. Hundreds of jobs. Two interviews, one offer. A ridiculously inappropriate job but I am desperate.

I last less than a week. The physical pain so increased that I sleep downstairs for days, unable to face the prospect of climbing the stairs to my bedroom. My fears increase, my confidence crashes even lower. I am ashamed of my inability to cope with the uncertainties of the job….who is actually in charge? Would I get paid on time? Would I be able to pay my rent?

I am ashamed of my inability to cope.

More job applications.  Even with a degree I can’t get an interview for a part-time job answering the phone because of ‘the high calibre of the applicants’.

My mood begins to swing down into the grey fog that has hovered just over my left shoulder for most of my life. It wraps me in nothing and smothers motivation. All I want to do is sleep. And eat.

Most of the time I can hide from my family and friends. Smiles and chats distract others from the emptiness. I am still functioning. Still going out.  Still fulfilling my obligations. Mostly.

Until today.

When even sitting still seems to require more energy than I can muster. My thoughts dwell constantly on the thought of medicals, reviews, a change to JSA, the loss of DLA, a reduction in Housing Benefit after twelve months, growing dependence on the charity of others. It might not happen.

But it might. It could.

And I am scared.

I feel helpless, vulnerable.

I feel myself sliding further into the fog.

The future looks bleak.”

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